


The REAL Reason Browbeat Disappeared

by TopHat



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: M/M, Mpreg, Sauna
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-07 21:32:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20824130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TopHat/pseuds/TopHat





	The REAL Reason Browbeat Disappeared

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fan Service](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14618508) by [CPericardium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CPericardium/pseuds/CPericardium). 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/184727911@N02/48817594688/in/dateposted-public/)

“Mom, Dad, I’m pregnant.”

Steven Senior swallowed his forkful of mashed potatoes, a distant, dead look on his face. “Hey pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Ellen put down the mostly-empty bottle of white wine. “Do you mean you got someone pregnant? Was it the daughter of that hussie Janice? I fucking hate Janice.”

Steven Junior sighed. He hated talking to family. “No. I’m pregnant. Powers stuff.”

“Are you sure it’s not Janice’s kid?” Ellen asked, squinting at the dregs as if she were inspecting sperm counts in a semen sample.

Steven Sr. yawned and pushed back from the table, his six-flab jiggling like fifty seven years of fast food, beer, and dropping gym subscriptions after the first week. “Well, your old man knows plenty about this ‘powers stuff’ which seems to be affecting you. In my prime your mother had to fight off women tooth and nail to keep getting this lovin’ every night.”

After swallowing down the last of the load, Ellen wiped her mouth on her sleeve and dropped the bottle on the fucking ground like a bad, bad girl and turned to look Steven Jr. in the eye. “Your father’s never once satisfied me sexually and if you sleep with Janice’s kid I’ll pay for both abortions. She’s been bragging about the bitch getting into Stanford at every goddamn tupperware party and if I have to hear her talk about the nineteen extracurriculars Stacy picked up while translating the _Illiad_ into dead Amazonian languages I’m going to fucking kill myself.”

Steven Jr. sighed again. “Okay I guess we’ll talk about this in the morning.”

Steven Sr. flexed his arms, flabby, wrinkled skin slowly twisting like the top layer of a cream soup. “Look at these guns, son. Have you ever seen such a fine example of masculine firepower?”

Ellen got up and walked to the kitchen, picking up Steven Sr.’s unopened beer and popping off the cap with her eye socket. “We need a new pool boy, by the way. The current one’s sick of the taste of fish.”

* * *

Doctor Shane McAwesome kicked off his desk and splayed out his hands in a totally groovy way. “The baby keeps timestopping your dudeterus, man. It’s gonna take, like, a while to squeeze out.”

Dennis tightened his grip on Steven Jr.’s hand. “And you’re sure there aren’t other options?”

Doctor McAwesome shook his head sadly, shutter shades glinting forlornly in the fluorescent lights. “No can do, homeslice. The time-stopping makes the gooey bits go all fucky-wucky, so no can deletus that fetus.”

“What about powers?” Steven Jr. pressed, one hand rubbing anxiously over his baby bump. “Is there any sort of power-assisted option?”

“Power of guns, yeah.” Nurse Hebert entered the room, surgical Glock in hand.

“Woah woah woah! Do not harsh the mellow, man,” Doctor McAwesome said, even as Dennis stepped between the madwoman and his partner, while Steven Jr. merely picked up an entire fucking MRI machine and prepared to throw it at the punk-ass bug master with a thing for infanticide. “Do you need another chill out sesh in your medical waste locker?”

The glock stayed focused on Steven Jr.'s belly through Dennis, even as Taylor’s hyper-rational brain began running to variations of the scene before her. “Fuck you I do what I want.”

Nurse Hebert pulled the trigger, and her aim was true. The bullet passed straight through Dennis’s lanky, skinny, bitch-ass non-Chad form, bounced off of Browbeat’s inviolable dudeterus, ricocheted around the inspection room, and found its way directly into the brain of Max Anders in the next room, defusing ninety nine percent of the potential problems in this story.

Dinah, halfway across the city, froze. _No need to write this note, I guess._ She tossed it in the garbage, half-written. _I wonder why my power wanted Nurse Hebert to cut umbilical cords,_ she thought. It probably wasn’t important.

Damage done, Nurse Hebert quickly leapt out the window, catching sight of Max Ander’s still form, his blood pooling in the shape of a swastika.

_Damn I’m good,_ she thought, right before a blonde in a catsuit that she totally didn’t think was hot in a non-platonic way caught her bony-ass ass atop a massive dog, riding off into the sunset so they could do straight things together.

“Oh god!” Lisa said. “Your ass! There’s not enough of a grip. You’re slipping!”

_If only I was thicc and named Weaver,_ Taylor thought, right before stumbling into the actual worst character of significance in Worm, going full rationalist, and then getting shot twice in the head.

“Heh. Nothing personnel, kiddo,” Contessa smirked.

* * *

Dennis’s father peered introspectively into Steven Jr.’s eyes, pouring genuine gamer-girl bathwater onto the steaming coals of the sauna. “Do you have any idea how much cancer I have?” 

“No sir,” Steven Jr. responded, trying desperately not to look at his father-in-law’s shriveled cock. The pubes around it drifted like dead coral around an undersea monster, one just waiting to reach out for some young, glowing the faint puce of casual elderly social norm violations. “But my mother has always referred to me as a financial tumor, so I can sympathize.”

The man nodded angrily, the puce shifting to a more Republican red. “Good. Everyone needs a little cancer in their lives. Back in the day, we used to get double doses, and quadruple on Sundays. You know Alexandria got her superpowers from cancer, right?”

Dennis groaned, his own penis surrounded by a blue cloud of love mixed with exasperation. “That’s just an urban legend, Dad. She probably bought her power just like all the other rich people.”

Gallant reclined back on the bench, beads of moisture forming on his power armor and inside as he began to sweat. “Well, I don’t know about that, Dennis. There might be some truth to it. Maybe the people who bought their powers had cancer, and this was the only cure.”

“This armored guy is right, FOX news would never lie to me,” Egbert snapped, glaring at his son, then turning to Victoria. “Why’re you here, anyway? Got a lotta boob for a dude.”

Victoria shrugged, the motion setting her massive, perpetually-throbbing, magisterial dong swinging like a pendulum. Egbert, who had been leaning in for a closer look, caught a facefull and got smacked through the wall of the sauna and to his death.

“I guess this means you don’t have to come out to your father,” Steven Jr. said impassively, his dick yellow with relief.

“No, my father,” Dennis pretended to moan, his dick the same color.

“Yo Amy!” Victoria cried out. “Stop being a wet noodle and get in here! I killed some dude with my dick again, it was great!”

Amy walked in, moping like a bitch. “I’m only doing this because I have an insane amount of unresolved sexual tension.”

After vanishing the evidence, she also got naked and sat down. Perspiration formed on her skin, and her freckles slowly dissolved into thick black streaks. “Yeah. They’re fake. Not all of us are naturally blessed, you ginger fucker,” she said, glaring at Dennis.

“I have emotional freckle issues,” Valence said, truthfully. 

“Shut up and let me go to bed. I’m hungry, need to eat something, and then need sleep to get over this sinus infection before going back to work on my 300 page thesis on mpreg in classical literature,” T0PH4T responded, mind racing with ideas for a PornAU!Wardfic. “Hey, do you think Victoria’s compulsory heterosexuality would hold up in the face of Erin and Lisa being angry hot lawyers at one another?”

* * *

From Dank Memes 69:

_City of dicks_  
_Just one thing everybody wants_  
_There in the bars_  
_And through the smokescreen of the crowded restaurants_  
_It's cock._  
_Yes, all we're looking for is cock from someone else._

_A touch._

_A brush._

_A tug._

_A squirt._

_A look in somebody's eyes_  
_To light up the skies_  
_To open the lust and send it reeling_  
_A voice that says, I'll be here_  
_And you'll be alright._


End file.
